


The Dare

by redundant_angel



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Patient (Good Omens), Cold Weather, Crowley Being an Idiot (Good Omens), Crowley's Tongue (Good Omens), Curious Crowley (Good Omens), Dare, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, ILLUSTRATED!, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Inspired by the movie 'A Christmas Story', M/M, Snow, St James's Park (Good Omens), Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28124916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redundant_angel/pseuds/redundant_angel
Summary: What happens if you stick your tongue to a frozen pole in the middle of winter? One curious demon is about to find out.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 66
Collections: Ineffable Holiday 2020





	The Dare

**Author's Note:**

> An idea popped into my head involving Crowley somehow getting his snake tongue stuck to a pole in winter time, because of course he does. I had artwork commissioned for it, but didn't quite have a story idea until I ran across a scene from the classic Christmas 'A Christmas Story,' which features a one kid daring another to press his tongue to a pole- and getting stuck!
> 
> Art by [FreedomAttack](https://www.instagram.com/freedomattack_thereal/)

On a particularly frigid day in December, one demon and one angel could be found strolling along their usual route through St. James Park. This was not a typical day. Britain had been gripped by a cold snap that was turning out to be one of the coldest on record. The lake where Crowley and Aziraphale often came to feed the ducks was completely frozen solid; the birds long gone in search of warmer weather. Banks of snow were piled up all around, and snowflakes were relentlessly falling.

“We should have taken the Bentley,” the demon grumbled. His hands were jammed as far into the pockets of his coat as the material would allow, so he miracled them even deeper. “I’m freezing my arse off!”

“Nonsense,” said Aziraphale. He took a deep breath of fresh, cold air. “I know it will take us longer to get back to the shop, and yes, it may be a bit… crisp outside…"

" _Crisp?_ "

"--But we so rarely get snow in London, it seems a shame not to enjoy it before it’s gone.”

“The sooner the better if you ask me,” Crowley replied, readjusting the scarf around his neck for the third time. “If I wanted to be subjected to weather like this, I would have moved to Antarctica, not London.”

Aziraphale chuckled. “You’re being awfully dramatic, dear. It’s just a bit of snow.” He leaned in close; his lips brushing Crowley’s ear. “Besides, you do look quite dashing in that fluffy scarf I knitted for you!”

“I’m only wearing it because it’s BLOODY COLD!” Crowley hissed under his breath.

“Very well, let’s pick up the pace then! Not too much though, there may be ice on the ground, and I don't fancy falling on my face.”

“You know I’d catch you, angel.”

Aziraphale’s heart fluttered in his chest. That was Crowley for you. Spitting venom one minute, and being dashingly romantic the next. Even after six thousand years, he could still get butterflies when he was around Crowley. He looked up, a coy smile on his lips. “Oh, well, in that case- ”

“You’re lying!” A young boy’s voice rang through the air, ruining the moment.

“Oh yea?” Another boy shouted back.

“Yeah!”

A group of young boys were loitering just up the path from Crowley and Aziraphale. They seemed to be huddled around a signpost, which read ‘All dogs must be on a lead.’

“Are you kidding?” One of the boys sputtered. He was shorter than the others, and perhaps a grade or two younger. “Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That’s dumb.”

“That’s cuz you know it will stick,” taunted a taller boy. “And you’re chicken!”

“Bollocks! You’re full of it! And so is your dad!”

Crowley perked up upon hearing the younger boy swear. “Oh, what’s this? Children spreading Christmas cheer?”

Aziraphale pursed his lips, his brows furrowed as he grasped Crowley’s elbow. “I don’t like where this is headed.”

“I’m not doing it,” the first boy said, crossing his arms in defiance.

“I dare you.”

The boy said nothing, standing his ground. 

The older boy took a step forward. “I _double_ dog dare ya!”

Not to be outdone, another one of the boys in the group yelled, “I TRIPLE dog dare ya!”

A cacophony of taunts and laughter rang out among the group. The younger boy swallowed hard. He looked nervously around the circle, suddenly aware of all the eyes that were watching him. “Fine. I’ll do it,” he said. 

The kids cheered, leaning in closely to watch as the shorter boy hesitantly stepped up to the sign post and stuck out his tongue. 

Aziraphale’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh no,” he muttered, leaving Crowley’s side as he approached the children. Just as the boy was about to press the tip of his tongue to the pole, Aziraphale bellowed, “You children will stop this nonsense this instant! Run along now, before I call your parents!”

The boys scattered, taking off down the path. All except the older boy, the instigator, who did not budge. He stared skeptically at Aziraphale.

“Whatever. You don’t know who my parents are,” the boy challenged.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Mr. Harris,” Aziraphale replied, matter-of-factly. He didn’t mind using a bit of angelic muscle if it meant de-escalating a situation. The boy opened his mouth in disbelief, then ran off, leaving Aziraphale standing alone by the streetlamp.

Crowley sauntered over. “Aw, why did you do that? They were just having a bit of fun.”

“Fun is well and good, Crowley. But had that younger boy pressed his tongue to that pole, he would have found himself in some trouble. It’s a good thing we were here to intervene.”

“We?” Crowley snorted. “I certainly don’t see what the trouble is. I could stick my tongue to a pole. Heavens, I could probably wrap my tongue all the way around it--twice.”

Aziraphale sighed. “Crowley. You’ve been on this earth for six thousand years, and yet you don’t know what would happen if you were to press your tongue to a frozen pole?”

Crowley shrugged. “Humans make such a big deal out of nothing. I’m sure whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. Probably won’t even affect me.” He stepped up to the pole, grinning slyly. “Go on, Aziraphale. _Dare me._ ”

“I’m not going to be a part of this,” Aziraphale scoffed, crossing his arms. “But if you insist on attempting this foolishness, I am not going to stop you.”

“Now I _have_ to see what the big fuss is.”

“Crowley--”

But it was too late. The demon stuck out his long, serpentine tongue and slowly wrapped it all the way around the pole, never letting it actually touch the metal surface. He wiggled the forked tip suggestively.

“Show off,” Aziraphale muttered.

Crowley laughed as he retracted his tongue. Finally, he allowed the top of his tongue to settle flat against the cold bar. He glanced at Aziraphale, looking pleased with himself. “Thee? Na-hing to worry about,” he said, tongue still attached to the pole.

“Right, well. You’ve certainly shown me what’s what. Now, stop this silliness, Crowley, and let’s go home.” 

“Zira-hale...”

“Yes?”

“I’m thuck.”

Aziraphale tried to hide a smile. “Sorry, dear, what was that? You will have to speak clearer.” 

The demon started to struggle, his tongue still firmly attached to the signpost. “I’m _thuck!_ ”  
  
  
  
  
Aziraphale fought hard to hold back a laugh but it was becoming impossible. “I’m sorry,” he said sweetly. “I can’t understand you. Say that again?”

Crowley groaned in frustration and uttered a few other unintelligible words. 

Aziraphale pretended to check his pocket watch. “Oh drat, would you look at the time! I need to get back to the shop. I’m expecting a delivery.” He turned and pretended to walk away, savouring the moment.

“Anhgel!” Crowley whined. He was flailing now, arms waving wildly in the air as he tried in vain to free himself.

“Yes, yes alright alright. Calm down. You didn’t actually think that I would walk away and leave you in such a state? Although I may take a moment to stand here and gloat while I still can.”

Crowley glared at him. _If looks could kill_ , thought Aziraphale. He made a quick motion with his wrist, and in a flash, Crowley was freed from his icy predicament. Crowley stuck his tongue out nimbly, checking it for damage.

Aziraphale raised an eyebrow. “Are you quite alright?”

“I was _this_ close to using hellfire and melting this entire thing to the ground!” Crowley whined, his pride clearly injured. 

“Well, I did try to warn you. Honestly, dear. You’re curious to a fault. I’m surprised you haven’t been discorporated more times than you have.” 

“Stupid, bloody, winter,” Crowley grumbled, kicking at a snowdrift. “I hate it.”

Aziraphale took Crowley’s arm, and nuzzled into his shoulder. “Let’s go home and get you warmed up.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow. “Done enjoying the snow, are you?”

“Yes, I think so,” Aziraphale replied, fixing Crowley’s scarf. “Besides, I can think of plenty of better things you could do with that tongue once we get home.”

They made it back to the bookshop in record time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [FreedomAttack](https://www.instagram.com/freedomattack_thereal) for the beautiful art commission!


End file.
